The Birds and The Bees
by Scholars at Large
Summary: Kakashi gets roped into teaching the youth of Konoha all about the birds and the bees...


**Disclaimer:** I own Naruto and also a great beachfront property in the middle of Kansas too, and if you believe that I have some prime real estate on the moon to sell you.

**AN:** Um yeah, it was Spring break and well actually there is nothing I can really say in my defense.

**Summary:** Tsunade gets Kakashi back for being late with paperwork, not that she wants it... Anyway he gets roped into teaching FLE (Family life education) at the Ninja academy.

**Warning:** If you can't stand the word sex being used... twice (don't quote me on that) then turn away. Otherwise read and and review or I will set an angry Tsunade on you so ha.

**Pairing:** Um, Iruka Anko is mentioned several times as well as the suggestion of others...

**-x-**

The bees were buzzing, the birds were singing and it was another…peaceful day in Konoha. It was just after 9 am and Iruka was getting ready to pass out a math test to his class when something most unexpected happened. He felt the chakra presence of none other than the venerable fifth Hokage, Tsunade. "Um, Iruka-sensei, why are you standing still, is something wrong?" asked one of the more perceptive students in the class. Quickly recovering Iruka was about to answer when Tsunade chose to appear in a cloud of pink smoke.

"Guess what Kiddies? Today we're learning about Sex-Ed-"

"She means FLE, Family Life Education; we can't use the S word with minors."

The class murmured to each other remembering last year when the third had tried to teach them. There had been a lot of blushing and they had only learned that there were lots of things you couldn't do to someone of the opposite gender when ballroom dancing. Somehow, they imagined this Hokage would teach differently. Konohamaru raised his hand. "Iruka-sensei, my parents opted me out last year can I have an alternative ninja assignment with Naruto?"

"No can do Kiddo, I'm in charge now. Iruka will be observing from the back of the classroom," Tsunade declared smiling innocently at the class. "Who's ready for some genuine fun? Does anyone have any questions before we start…No? Good"

"Tsunade-sama, is it true that you and Orochimaru had a passionate affair in-"

"No no no no no NO, bad mental image, I was into the less zombie snake-like people…"Tsunade glared at the offending student. "Now since there are no more-"

"Tsunade-sama, did you and Jiarya ever-"

"No, I would have kicked his sorry little-"  
"Tsunade-sama please tone down you're language in front of my class, they are children," pleaded the mostly forgotten Iruka from the far corner.

"-into next millennia!"

"Tsunade-sama-"

"NO more QUESTIONS. I am not and never will have an affair with anyone let alone any of those perverts from my team, or anyone, anyone else"

"Is this a bad time then Hokage-sama?"

Tsunade turned around to look at the door. Kakashi was leaning against the doorframe holding the newest Icha Icha book. She glared dangerously at him, her eye twitching slightly.

"I have the field reports you requested." Before he could take them out of the pack, Tsunade had stormed over and slapped him.

"Those reports were due to me ages ago. I told you I wanted them no later than last week, and now you stumble in here when I am trying to teach…Kakashi," her eyes lit up as Kakashi tried vainly to blend in with the wall "I have your next assignment."

"Actually Hokage-sama, there was an old lady that I met on my way here whom I promised to help retrieve her lost-"

"No, I insist, in fact, as your Hokage I order you to teach these delightful young people about," she looked over at Iruka, "um your Icha Icha books." Kakashi looked around the room blankly then turned back to Tsunade who had already disappeared in flash of pink smoke.

Iruka stood up, "She means FLE"

Kakshi looked at him "…"

"Family Life Education," offered Iruka slightly embarrassed.

"Ah, every family has a mom or dad or sometimes an aunt or two moms or dads or none of the above. It really depends, but most families, with a few exceptions, have at least one person in them." Kakashi finished smiling through his mask. The children stared at him.

"Um Kakashi-sensei," Konohamaru began, raising his hand "I think Iruka-sensei means… Sex-Ed," he whispered.

"Ah that's what she meant. What do you know already?" Kakashi pulled out his book waiting for someone to answer his question. After five minutes, he looked back up.

"Nothing… then I guess we have to start at the beginning. Can anyone tell me the mechanics of se-"

"Kakashi, I don't believe that's exactly what you're meant to be covering." Kakashi looked at the brilliantly blushing Iruka and deadpanned, "Then what am I meant to be teaching."

Blushing even more Iruka mumbled incoherently. Kakashi looked at him blankly. "I said," continued Iruka "you're meant to cover abstinence, STDs and why you should wait for marriage."

Kakashi looked at Iruka in a confused manner, "Why should you wait for marriage? Life is short enough as it is. Fine, Fine. Class, sex is only for when you are mature enough to handle the consequences. When a boy really likes the way a girl looks he will try-"

"Kakashi I think I can handle this, why don't you and-" A loud thud startled the class, as none other than the handsome and youthful Maito Gai appeared in the classroom.

"Gai, how good of you to come," Iruka said relieved that someone responsible had come to talk some sense into Kakashi, "Kakashi was told by Tsunade-sama to teach FLE to my class…"

"Ah, what a youthful subject. I shall not allow you to beat me in this my eternal rival Kakashi!"

"What… so you're going to teach the class then?"Kakashi immediately pulled his book back out and began going to the doorway when the room began to fill with pink smoke.  
"Kakashi, where do you think you are going. Teaching this class is your mission, now get your sorry-"

"Tsunade-sama, the children," Iruka called out vainly.

"-back in the classroom and start teaching." Maito Gai looked very confused.

"Anyway class, when a boy really likes the way a girl looks, he will try to get into her pants, or skirt or sometimes it's actually not a girl he's after. In any event-"

"Kakashi-sensei, do you like Iruka-sensei enough to get into his pants?"  
"Who?" Asked Kakashi blankly, still reading his Icha Icha book.

Maito Guy stepped in, and striking a brave and heroic pose, said, "The ever youthful Iruka is actually in love with the beautiful flower of Maidenhood Anko. Why just last night the two of them-"As one the entire class turned to look at their sensei who had just fallen off his stool in a mortified stupor. They had never thought of Iruka going out with anyone, let alone a beautiful flower of Maidenhood. It was then that the first part of what Gai had said sank in and they all tried to imagine Anko and Iruka together.

"Who are you calling a beautiful flower of Maidenhood?" asked a very irate Anko standing in the doorway.

Kakashi smiled slightly and never looking up from his book related everything Gai had said to the now fuming and slightly blushing Anko.

"MAITO GAI, when I get through with you, _you_ will be a beautiful flower of Maidenhood!"

Gai looked at the classroom as he was dragged out by the ear "Remember youthful youth-" Thud, the door slammed shut blocking whatever the Handsome Beast of Konoha, Maito Gai, was about to say.

Kakashi looked back up at the class, carefully setting his book down. "Now class, before we can go into all the finer points of caution you need to know what exactly sex is. Here let me explain-" Suddenly something very unexpected happened. A very happy Naruto came in dragging a very irate Sasuke into the classroom.

"Look who I found Kakashi-sensei, I brought him back from Orochimaru, and he wants to join Konoha again"

"I only said that so you would let go of me and I could sneak into the ANBU headquarters to find out where you're hiding Itachi." Naruto glared at Sasuke looking heartbroken. Then a great idea occurred to him.

"What if we go and kill your brother as a team, so when he totally kicked your but, someone would be there to bring you back to Konoha."

"I am an Avenger. I will not lose. This is not a dream, I will make this happen I will not fail. I will do this by myself for I am an Avenger and Avengers avenge-"Smack. No one had noticed Sakura come in.

"That was for making very little sense and being annoyingly redundant"

Sasuke stopped mid-rant and looked at Sakura "I'm not sure I deserved that" SMACK

"_That_ was for running off and joining snake-face"

Sasuke paused for a moment "I might have deserved that one" SMACK

"And that was for almost killing Naruto, putting yourself into danger, making me worry and being an overall all around JERK!"  
Sasuke glared at her. "I know I didn't deserve that one"

Naruto, Iruka and Sakura all said, "Yes you did" together before glaring at each other. The entire class looked confused as they watched the older ninjas all began to yell at each other.

"And that's all there is to it, any questions about sex?" concluded Kakashi grinning brightly in the bizarre one-eyed way that only an Anime character could ever pull off.

**The End**

**AN:** So tell me your thoughts, please anything. If you hated it _**review**_, if you thought it was the best thing ever _**review**_, if you found it amusing _**review**_, if you really don't want to reveiw tell me all about it in a **Review**. Please?


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